A Christmas tree in mid-October, eh? Squinter can’t say he’s too thrilled about the appearance of a mini-Santa’s grotto in Amcomri Street, but each to their own, and sure it’s not doing any harm. 

Unless you’re a neighbour, perhaps – Squinter can see how looking at that every morning on the way to work might start to grate after a while.

It’s clearly the case that this family is only following the lead of  TV, newspapers, shops and supermarkets, all of which have been enthusiastically decking the halls and donning their gay apparel for some weeks now. 

Included on that dread list, whisper it softly, is your very own Andersonstown News.

The good news is that most people won’t start celebrating Christmas until, well... Christmas. 

The wearing of poppies, meanwhile, begins in earnest today (Thursday) with the launch of the British Royal Legion’s Poppy Appeal, the annual starting-gun for the traditional three-week orgy of Up Yours Fenian Face. 

Ever the peace-maker, Squinter has agreed this year to try and pour oil on troubled waters, and so he contacted the Londonderry First True Blue British Royal Legion chapter and invited them to share with readers of this paper their thoughts on the poppy, and on the wider issue of remembrance. 

They were good enough to email a response, detailing a number of points drawn up by their Frequently Asked 

Questions Unit  (FAQU)...

When should I start to wear my poppy?

The good news is that you can wear your poppy sticker on your car 365 days a year. Not only does the ‘Jalopy Poppy’ get the goat of Fenian motorists, you only have to make a donation once every ten years. As for the traditional paper  poppy, there is no set date, although as they don’t become available until the launch of the Poppy Appeal (this year October 22), the bad news is that this means you can only wear one for a measly three weeks. However, thrifty Ulster-Scots folk are known to keep their poppies for years, meaning that they can be worn towards the end of August with no donation required, even if they look a little bit manky.

Where should I wear my poppy?

We here at the First True Blue recommend that the poppy is worn on the left side of the tunic, uniform, flak-jacket, fatigues, helmet, beret, baseball cap, mask, body-warmer. This is because the left is the side closest to the heart, but mostly because that way taxi drivers can annoy Fenian front-seat passengers more. If by any chance you are not a member of the armed forces/loyalist paramilitaries, the simple rule of thumb is to wear your poppy at all times where it is most visible, especially in areas of Relatively High Fenianicity.

How can I donate to the poppy fund?

Well, you can pop a pound in the tin when you buy your poppy, although please note that as many poppy stations are run on an honour basis, you can easily get away with 50p. The Nutts Corner British Royal Legion chapter have poppies on sale for just 20p, known as the ‘Copy Poppy’. The oversize tissue poppy preferred by many Protestant ladies is available online, go to the True Blue website and click on ‘Floppy Poppy’. Poppies are available for middle- and upper-rank Catholic civil servants – the ‘Croppy Poppy’.  Old seadogs may wish this year to wear the ‘Choppy Poppy’. Used poppies can be had at the True Blue charity shop – just ask for a ‘Sloppy Poppy’. That’s enough – Ed.

Why do some TV presenters not wear poppies?

This is the kind of egregious slur on our fighting men that we at True Blue have been battling for years. Unfortunately, there are some presenters of a Taigish persuasion who fail to appreciate the sacrifice of our boys in the UDR. Some years ago, in association with our colleagues at the BBC, we drew up a code of practice that is observed religiously at Ormeau Avenue, but sadly in very few other places. The code is:

1) Wear a poppy for three weeks

2) Or you will be in very big trouble indeed

Our advice is to write or email any media figure you feel is not living up to his or her poppy obligations. Be polite and professional at all times and remember to mark your correspondence ‘We know where you live’.